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Did you know that the beginning of a conversation with your partner can dictate its outcome before two sentences have been exchanged?

You can be left wondering how everything you wanted to express went pear-shaped and ended in an argument.

Most probably the conversation began with a Harsh Start-up; that is, it opened up with a statement or question that indicated anger, negativity, accusation, implied criticism, or sarcasm toward the other person.

Openers beginning with "The trouble with you is…", "Why didn't you bother to….", or "You never…" are some examples of Harsh Start-ups guaranteed to illicit defensiveness, resentfulness or stonewalling from your partner.

The Harsh Start-up effectively sabotages opportunities to broach concerns and problems, and to negotiate solutions with your partner.

According to psychologist and internationally renowned researcher of human relationships, Dr John Gottman, the outcome of a fifteen minute conversation can be predicted within the first three minutes with 96% accuracy just by observing the Start-up.

Ways to soften your Start-up and increase your chances of a successful interaction are:

• CHOOSE YOUR TIMING - ensure there will be no interruptions and pressing obligations so there will be privacy and freedom to focus. Emotions need to have subsided

• START WITH A POSITIVE STATEMENT - e.g. "I really appreciated it when you backed me with that issue last week", before you discuss an incident when you didn't feel supported. Your concern has a greater chance of being more positively received

• OWN YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND USE "I" STATEMENTS - your partner will be less defensive because you are sharing your own feelings and therefore will not sound attacking or blaming

• MIND YOUR TONE - watch the line between assertion and aggression. Check the harshness, volume, and tension in your voice as they will be instinctively perceived as a threat and heighten the defensiveness of your partner

• SHARE A COMPLAINT, DON'T CHARACTER ASSASSINATE - discussing complaints can lead to mutually beneficial outcomes but avoid global statements about your partner's failings e.g. "You always" or "You never"

• MAKE REQUESTS FOR CHANGE - be specific about what you need changed and how it can be done as your partner may still not understand what you want. This also provides an opportunity to share the personal values that drive your request for change.