Karen March Counselling & Therapy Services

KAREN MARCH
M.Soc.Sc.(Counselling),
MACA(Professional)

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"Complacency Creep" in your relationship - how nostalgia may help

COSMOPOLITAN/REPRESENTATIVE IMAGE

You've been together with your partner for quite a few years. You've become used to each other, able to predict most of your partner's behaviours and responses, know their strengths and weaknesses, know their hopes and dreams, and their idiosyncrasies.

There is a level of predictability, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact predictability enables us to relax and feel safe and secure in the relationship.

But have you slipped from being "comfortable" together, to taking each other for granted?

It is said that "Familiarity breeds Contempt". While relationships in trouble will often exhibit an element of contempt, it's probably rather more common that "Familiarity breeds Complacency", which can be a trap of a different kind for relationships.

How can you tell if your relationship has become complacent?

It seems like there is little effort to say or show how much you appreciate each other
You can't remember the last time either of you surprised the other with an unexpected treat or outing
The odd birthday/anniversary has slipped by with minimal fuss
Worse still, the odd birthday/anniversary has been forgotten
It seems a long time since you've gone out for a meal, special event or travelled away somewhere together
There is little spontaneous affection in the relationship
Not much about each other's day is shared
It feels like you're living parallel lives
Feelings, hopes and dreams are no longer talked about
Interest in personal pursuits seems to consistently take precedence over interest in each other
There is a lack of awareness of the other's inner thoughts and feelings
Misunderstandings often occur due to inadequate communication
You may feel unvalued, taken for granted, ignored
Shared fun and laughter is absent
Nostalgic memories of shared times or experiences are never discussed

How can nostalgia help to shift complacency?
When you both look back and remember special moments and events you have shared, you are recognising the historic narrative of the relationship. These nostalgic memories are unique to you as a couple.

When we think of the word "nostalgia" we think of other expressions such as sentiment, romance, reminiscence, fond memories, emotional connectedness and moments of happiness. Shared nostalgia can remind a couple of the good times, strengthen their sense of shared history and for a moment, allow them to experience the feeling of connectedness with each other that is so often neglected.

Of course the intention is not to stay immersed in the past but rather to use nostalgia to tap into the associated feelings, experience them and bring them forward into the present. The effect of this can refresh the complexion of the relationship, liven up the ordinariness of the relationship and, see and appreciate the qualities of your partner anew.

Ways to stir the nostalgia

Pull out old photos from the early years of your relationship. Photos are a powerful visual aid to trigger memories, emotions and conversation around that moment in time

Play music from an era that coincides with earlier times in your relationship. Music is a powerful aid to memories. We can often vividly remember feelings, visual settings, and associated people and events just by listening to music from a particular time in our life.

Remember old jokes and quirky expressions that you both shared from earlier times. The power of humour to connect people is well-known and even more so when it involves a private absurdity that only you as a couple are privy to

Trace your accomplishments as a couple to where you are today; meeting, first date, travel, wedding, children, moving house, work, ambitions, hopes, shared achievements, lessons learned

Share stories of funny times, sad times, special events, social occasions, adventures, successes and mistakes, and times when you've really valued your partner for being there

Plan an outing or a holiday to a place that is part of a nostalgic time. Re-experience it together and build memories to add to the story

Ask your friends to share memories of you as a couple, perhaps back before children, your wedding day, or funny events you were all part of when you were a younger couple

By including memories that may otherwise have been forgotten or deemed insignificant, you will thicken up the narrative of your relationship history and enrich its meaning

Bringing up nostalgic memories can change your view of the present and remind you of the positives in your relationship. In re-capturing emotions of shared nostalgia, you may realise that the qualities you once valued about each other are still present.

Karen March Aldinga Medical Surgery 17 Old Coach Road, Aldinga SA 5173
Mobile: 0409169115 Email: karmar@chariot.net.au

ABN 51440 722 091