Karen March Counselling & Therapy Services

KAREN MARCH
M.Soc.Sc.(Counselling),
MACA(Professional)

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How to forgive yourself



"Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you". - Unknown

We are probably our own harshest critics when it comes to forgiving ourselves. Guilt and shame, along with unrealistic self-expectations and standards that leave little room for natural human error, often sustain the blocks to self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness, in certain circumstances, may also be dependent on first receiving the forgiveness of someone else, who we feel we have wronged in some way. In some cases, this forgiveness may not be forth-coming and we must find a way to live our lives without it, to reconcile our mistake within ourselves and to find some level of peace with that.

The negativity that accompanies a lack of self-forgiveness permeates our well-being and sense of happiness. It keeps us chained to the past, unable to fully enjoy the present and our hopes for the future. In a sense, we become defined by the past event that led to our inability to forgive ourselves. The effect on our physical and mental health, friendships and relationships can be devastating.

Here are some suggested steps to help you to forgive yourself:

• Take some time to join the dots and understand the process and actions that led you to your current lack of self-forgiveness.
  

• Reflect on the reasons you've given yourself for denying self-forgiveness and why you are unable to find acceptance and understanding toward your own human errors.

• Make an effort to genuinely apologise to other people who may have been involved, either in person or in writing if unable to meet them. Taking responsibility for your mistake is the first step toward change and demonstrates a recognition of your part in what went wrong.

• Identify the negative effects on your current life and name the associated feelings that you struggle with, such as anger, fear, sadness, self-loathing or low self-esteem. Naming has the effect of externalising these feelings so that you can see them as separate from yourself and therefore able to be changed.

• Recognise the level of energy it takes to invest in these feelings. Evaluate how you use of your energies and determine whether this energy would be better applied to more positive pathways. Think of more constructive ways that you could learn from your history, and thereby atone for a past mistake in some other way rather than remaining trapped by it.

• Focus on the positive gains that can come with letting go of self-reproach, rather than the things that will be lost by releasing yourself from the past and moving forward.

• Don't equate forgiving yourself with forgetting or condoning the past. All past events, good and bad, are part of your personal narrative. Also remember that your personal narrative continues through the course of your whole life and that the story is not yet completed.

• Instead of seeing your mistake as a manifestation of your character, change your perspective and see it as a learning tool for character change.

• Remember that no-one has control over the expectations and responses of other people. You only have control over how you respond and what you choose to focus on and hold on to.

• Try to develop self-exceptance and practice kindness and compassion toward yourself, as you would toward others. Self-exceptance does not mean ignoring your faults. Rather it means recognising your faults and endeavouring to develop, improve and continually evolve throughout your life.

• Try to surround yourself with people who are positive toward your journey, not those who would sabotage it.

• Laughing more can also help to prevent you taking yourself too seriously and ease the heaviness of self-reproach and guilt that you may be carrying on your shoulders.

• Practice gratitude for the things that are going right in your life. It is unlikely that every aspect of your life is negative, so look for the good in your life.

• Engage in activities that allow you to express the person you choose to be. Random acts of kindness, supporting a friend, volunteering and giving time to listen to someone, gives you opportunities to demonstrate this in a meaningful way.

• If you have been unable to forgive yourself for quite some time, understand that the path to self-forgiveness is a gradual process which will see both good days and setbacks. Don't be discouraged. Just gently bring yourself back to your path to forgiveness and remind yourself of the bigger picture.