1. . The Faker - you'll see nodding, and the occasional "uh huh" or "ok" but the Faker isn't really concentrating on what is being said. The giveaways are lack of eye contact, distracted body language, or missing parts of what was said.
2. The Interrupter - is impatient and doesn't wait for you to finish before giving their opinion or solution. Doesn't ask for clarification or seek more information and their input often lands wide of the mark in relation to what you were saying
3. The Intellectual - spends more time trying to interpret and judge the merits and rationality of the speaker's words from their own logical perspective. Is less concerned with emotions and any underlying feelings that are behind the words being said.
4. The Preparer - is already thinking about their reply before the other person is finished. While rehearsing in their head, they are missing the rest of what is being said and are only waiting for an opportunity to speak.
5. The Selective Listener - tends to hear only what they want or expect to hear and ignores the content of the conversation that does not fit their existing beliefs and assumptions. This leads to what is known as Cognitive or Confirmation Bias
6. The Hijacker - uses the other person's words when they've only just begun talking in order to steal the focus. Instead of listening, relates their own experience, story, viewpoint and learnings. Commonly starts with, "Oh that's nothing. Let me tell you about what happened to me….." or "Oh, I know what that's like. I remember when I was…."
7. The AWOL - switches off when the topic is uninteresting or difficult to comprehend. Avoids and tunes out of topics that they've heard before or that requires some effort to understand and respond to.
8. The Watchdog - feels threatened by what the speaker is saying and becomes defensive. Will immediately leap to defend themselves and overreact to certain words or phrases. So concerned with protecting themselves, they will consequently miss the real message of what is being said.
9. The Fault Finder - waits for chances to criticize. The intention is to catch the speaker out, by either wrong facts or wording, so they can counter whatever is said. They will often use the speaker's words against them. As their focus is on seeking to disagree and on being right, they may well miss the fundamental meaning behind what is being said.
10. The Advice Giver - too eager to fix the problem, to be the expert, or to get rid of the issue quickly. Jumps in before they hear the whole story and does not allow the speaker to fully express their thoughts or feelings. Consequently, the advice may be way off the mark. They may also fail to see that the speaker was not in fact looking for a solution but rather an empathic ear.

• Try to look beyond any emotive words that may be used and seek to identify what the real message is
• Ask questions, don't assume
• Reflect back to the speaker in your own words what you understand they have said to you. This shows them that you have listened and that you are trying to understand. It also gives the speaker a chance to clarify whether your understanding is accurate or not.
• Endeavour to be attentive and relaxed as a listener
• Keep an open mind. Try not to jump to premature conclusions or judgements
• Face the speaker and give eye contact. Be present. Don't be distracted by devices such as TV or phone, or by whatever else might be happening around you
• Put aside, for the moment, any agenda or planning that you may have been thinking about. Decide that it is important to listen right now and that you can come back to your plans again later.
• If putting off your own agenda is a problem, express this to your partner and assure them you will be available to listen at a designated time. Keep your promise.
• Try to "step in the shoes" of the speaker to harness empathy for their perspective
• Resist the urge to interrupt until the speaker has had an opportunity to express what they want to say.
• Be aware of your own defensiveness. If you notice you're feeling guarded, remind yourself that you are both entitled to your own points of view.
• Strive to be tolerant and know that we are not always going to hear what we want to hear. Don't be an ostrich.
• When our partner has taken the initiative to raise an issue, be mindful not to hijack it. Allow them to express their concern initially without rebuttal. This honours their courage to raise the issue in the first place.

Karen March Aldinga Medical Surgery 17 Old Coach Road, Aldinga SA 5173
Mobile: 0409169115 Email: karmar@chariot.net.au