Karen March Counselling & Therapy Services

KAREN MARCH
M.Soc.Sc.(Counselling),
MACA(Professional)

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Having a secret is not always a bad thing. But how do we know the difference between a secret that should be kept and one that shouldn't?

Most of us have a secret or two that we have privately harboured during our personal history. It's natural to keep some of the details of our past within our own private narrative and not to feel any need to share them. In the majority of cases, the secret is firmly in the past and does not intrude into our present lives.

But for some, a buried secret may rise to consciousness at particular times and become increasingly burdensome.

Signs that your secret may be unhealthy for you are:

it impinges on your sense of happiness and fulfilment
it is causing you to act in ways that are detrimental to yourself or others
it is so heavy that it is holding you back from being the person you wish to be

The simple act of sharing the load of a long-held secret with the right person can have a profound effect on well-being, diminishing its power to trigger harmful responses and freeing up space for personal growth and new directions.

Neuroscience research has shown that the function of the cingulate cortex, the part of the brain involved in emotional response, is altered when we hold on to a heavy secret.

"Locking up" an important truth with its associated emotions means that the cingulate cortex, which is normally wired to realise the truth, is prevented from processing and passing on the true information to other parts of the brain. Instead its functioning becomes compromised and stressed.

The same effect can also happen when we are privy to someone else's dark secret.

The conflict between needing to acknowledge and tell the truth, and imagining the consequences of telling that truth is what causes internal disharmony.

Your pre-frontal cortex makes a decision to suppress the secret, while stress hormones such as cortisol flood the body at the mere thought of it. Blood pressure, the gastro-intestinal tract, memory, the ability to learn, metabolism, immune system and sleep are all affected. When compounded with feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt and shame it is no wonder our mental wellbeing and physical health suffer under such a load.

What can help?

Writing out the pros and cons of keeping the secret. Behavioural research has shown that even this simple activity shows reductions in blood pressure, and stress hormone levels.

As it can be difficult to be sure that you will tell the secret in the right way, or that the person you tell will be able to emotionally handle what you tell them, it is often best to start by reducing the possibility of these risk factors.
This can be done by choosing to tell someone impartial, who is not connected with you or likely to be personally affected by what you tell them. Yet you still need that person to have the ability to respond appropriately and empathically to your disclosure.
That person could be a trained counselling practitioner or an online service such as Lifeline

If you choose a friend or acquaintance, you need to decide if they can bear the secret. In telling them, they become part of the secret in a sense. You will need to determine beforehand if they have three qualities: discretion, are non-judgemental and are non-rejecting.
How the person may feel about the secret down the track remains difficult to predict but it is important to realise that statistically, unless they are in a counselling-related industry, most people who are told something in confidence will eventually divulge that confidence to at least two other people

Telling a stranger. It can be easier to divulge things to someone we do not know and will possibly never meet again. Why? Because this person has no preconceived notions of who we are and no expectations of needing us to maintain a familiar persona.
In a sense, we are a clean slate with a stranger.
Sometimes we can randomly strike up a conversation with someone on a train or in a bar, on a beach walk or maybe when we are away travelling.
You may feel an immediate connection with that person or at least an easy conversational flow and personal sharing. In this instance there may be an opportunity to touch on the secret and test the water. You are free to leave if you wish or to engage in deeper conversation.

Write and send a postcard. The PostSecret project was created by Frank Warren in 2005 in the US and invites participants to write their secret anonymously on a homemade postcard and post it to the address below.
All postcards are read and selected cards are posted on the website blog or published in PostSecret books.
It's an interesting and safe way to "out" your secret and perhaps receive some benefit from anonymously sharing with the PostSecret community who have also shared their secret.

Declaration of a secret is the first step and for some may be sufficient. However, following disclosure, it's often necessary to address the effects of the secret and this can often only be done in a confidential and non-judgemental counselling context.

Karen March Aldinga Medical Surgery 17 Old Coach Road, Aldinga SA 5173
Mobile: 0409169115 Email: karmar@chariot.net.au

ABN 51440 722 091