Copyright ©Karen March Counselling & Therapy Services 2012. All rights reserved. Website by Karmar Website Design

Emotional connection between two people occurs when there is mutual interest in each other's worlds and an understanding of how the other is feeling.

People attempt to achieve this connection by a process known as "bidding".

A bid can take the form of a question, a look, a gesture, or a touch. They literally mean, "I want to feel connected with you."

Response to bids can take one of three forms:

• They turn toward Turning toward fosters stable, long-lasting relationships, rich in good feelings for one another. Some humour, affection and interest in one another are still evident during conflict, enabling the couple to stay connected, solve problems and avoid negative feelings.

• They turn against This response is aggressive and argumentative and frequently involves sarcasm, ridicule or put-downs. For example, on asking her husband to put down his newspaper to talk, a woman might be met with the response, "So, what do we have to urgently talk about now?" His negativity will cause her to withdraw and feel rejected. Hostility followed by withdrawal between couples, adult siblings and adult friends leads to emotionally distant and less supportive relationships.

• They turn away This response ignores the bid and leaves the bidder feeling disconnected and undervalued. When couples consistently turn away from each other through careless preoccupation or deliberate inattention, the relationship will spiral downwards. It is equally destructive to parent-child, adult friendship, adult siblings and co-worker relationships.