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It is interesting how frequently clients will say during the counselling process that they have realised something about themselves for the first time. Particular questions had prompted them to examine what their words and thoughts really said about them and this sudden insight had been a surprising revelation.

We think we know ourselves but often what we really know are our own predictable responses and familiar behaviours which we rarely question. In the context of relationships, therapist Fritz Perls illustrates the absence of self-reflection with the following;

"We live in a house full of mirrors, and think we are looking out the windows."

In other words, we do not realise that who and how we choose to be, is reflected back to us by the people who are around us. A failure to realise this will keep you looking outward and blaming other people or circumstances for the problems in your life and you are unlikely to ever realise the nature of your part in these problems.

It is common to attribute our frustrations and disappointments to external factors, other people or circumstances that are seemingly beyond our control. Yet personal growth requires more than life experience. It is reflection on ourselves within these experiences that tells us about our own values, beliefs and expectations.

So what is it to truly reflect on ourselves?

Most importantly we need to question our own perceptions and understandings. Start by asking the question that expresses an inner conflict. Some examples might be, "Why do I always find myself in these situations?" or "Why do people I value turn away from me?" Self-reflection is a tool for empowering yourself and changing the things in your life that prevent happiness and fulfilment.